We’ve all heard the old story that Eskimos have 50 different words for snow, such is the importance of the stuff to their daily lives.
That’s all rather romantic but here in Australia we have about the same number of words to describe different levels of drunkenness, so you’d have to admit we’re punching above our weight, linguistically.
Still, as someone who works with words for a living I can say that English is drastically underserviced in many areas. There are thousands of doohickies we don’t have names for (except “doohickies”, obviously) and whole swathes of complicated emotions we can’t describe, because the words simply don’t exist.
So I made some up. Feel free to sprinkle these gems throughout your daily conversation, like so much verbal confetti.
Algebrassiere: The complicated maths you have to do to when you haven’t bought new underwear in years and you don’t know your cup size.
Bishopblivion: Total lack of awareness of one’s outrageous spending habits, particularly as regards helicopter travel.
Brovorce: When two blokes mutually agree to stop being friends.
Crackaoke: When you go for the high note in “Bohemian Rhapsody” but end up sounding like Kanye West.
Drosstalgia: A sentimental longing for the trappings of one’s youth that pointedly ignores how terrible they were. Example: 30-somethings feeling wistful for Hypercolour T shirts, Doc Martens and S Club 7 are experiencing acute drosstalgia.
Gastrofark: Expletive used when you discover a trendy new restaurant doesn’t accept bookings.
Unhipepiphany: The realisation that you are old, uncool and probably unwelcome at trendy new restaurants, typically following exclamation of previous.
Homophone: Any mobile with Liza Minnelli, Madonna or Kylie Minogue as its ringtone.
Inbratuated: To be so in love with your own children you don’t notice when they draw on the walls or throw tantrums in public.
Irriterval: The seemingly arbitrary but altogether annoying amount of time the bus waits at the stop just before yours in an attempt to get back on schedule.
Jean-Judas: When the label says it’s your size, but you can barely get a leg in.
Mealousy: The pang of resentment you feel when the food you ordered doesn’t look as good as your dining partner’s.
Memorish: The vague recollection of what you did last night while drunk.
Roomsomnia: An inability to sleep that is wholly dependent on the room you are in at the time. For example, roomsomniacs usually have no difficulty falling asleep on the couch in front of True Detective, but become wide awake once in bed.
Schnittiful: Feeling of regret after consuming too much pub parmigiana.
Stultifenia: Unnecessary trepidation and hesitation experienced when the traffic light turns green but the car next to you doesn’t move.
Stupormodel: Someone famous for being pretty but with questionable views on science, politics and current affairs. Example: “Stupormodel Jenny McCarthy said something about vaccines today”.
Telephobia: The fear of a ringing phone, suffered by 95 per cent of generation Y.
Twitterphoria: Spontaneous and short-lived feeling of elation when a famous person acknowledges your existence on social media.
Two-Facing: The act of surreptitiously Facebooking someone on your phone to find out their name while you make awkward small talk with them at a party.
Unseeworthy: Something so bad you can’t even be bothered opening your eyes to look at it. For example, “Paul Blart Mall Cop was totally unseeworthy”.
Urinebriated: So drunk you can’t find the toilet, and don’t care.
Voicemalcontent: People who insist on leaving long winded mobile phone messages instead of sending a text.
Wallerina: Someone who dances on their own in a corner of the club in an attempt to get chatted up.
Yawnversation: Completely boring small talk.
First published in The Advertiser on July 18, 2015